Moving Forward
“Keep your face to the sunshine and you will not see the shadows” – Helen Keller
It always amazes me how life just simply goes on. No matter what happens – good or bad – life’s hectic pace continues to move forward with the rising and setting of the sun each day.
When I was going through two weeks of darkness and despair over the news of my father’s cancer, I remember one day walking around the lake near my house and noticing that despite the fact I was dying inside that life was going on. It felt extremely strange.
Now that the turmoil has slowly settled, I’m amazed how life has returned to normalcy. I go about my daily routines just as I had before. I run, I write, I read, I talk, I play, I love. Yet somehow I feel drastically different. Somehow I have changed.
The smile is a little less brighter. The skip in the step a little lower to the ground. The impatience and energy a little more tranquil. The normally racing mind and spirit a little bit quieter. I’m not sure yet what I think of the new me. But it is obvious that I have changed. Permanently, I’m not sure. But temporarily indeed.
I’ve become a lot more reflective in the past three weeks. I’ve been thinking a lot about the past and all the dark times I’ve faced in my life. I’ve been playing more music around the house and singing. Most of the songs I’ve been playing are the ones I heard constantly streamed throughout my house. The music of the 70s; music I haven’t really played or listened to in decades. Yet these songs are nostalgic of my childhood and the love and protection I felt growing up. Even today, I know all the words by heart.
I’ve distanced myself a bit more from the world. I’ve become more introverted and have avoided the daily chitchat on the school playground. I’ve found more comfort and solace in being alone, something I never felt comfortable doing. I’ve slowly drawn into myself and it has felt ok.
Perhaps this is how I’ve decided at 41 to deal with a period in my life of immense stress and fear. My 31-year-old self would have dealt with it so much differently. I would have called up all my girlfriends and cried together with them for hours. But I’m seeing now that I am a much different person than I was ten years ago, before children, commitment, responsibility and wisdom. I have grown substantially.
Funny how it takes a time of serious difficulty to teach you something new about yourself. Something you may never have discovered had it not been for that unimaginable mountain you had to climb. What I realized through everything over the past few weeks is how incredibly strong and independent I’ve become. A power of self I never realized I had. Despite the hardship, there is one silver lining after all.
I will never forget these delicate flowers, thriving in the harsh climate of the French Alps.
Now it is time to more forward. To pick up where I was before in all areas of my life. To get back on the saddle and start creating “The Diary of a Happy Mom“. Not “The Diary of the Unhappy Mom”. Of course there will always be ups and downs in life. Yet it is how we face these obstacles and move on that matters.
I’m looking forward to seeing the sunshine again that brightens each and every day and inspires me to make each day count.
The Diary of a Happy Mom: 40 and Beyond 