The trials and tribulations of an adventurous modern mom
Today I promise to accept what I cannot change.
Today is an extremely hard day. The reality of my dad’s cancer has set in and I am numb. I hurt everywhere – my head, my stomach, my heart and my soul. I feel empty inside. I feel so much pain.
My emotions have been so insanely intense that at times I don’t know my left from my right. I have felt everything. Pain. Anxiety. Anger, Fear, Sorrow and a deep, heavy sadness that is suffocating my soul. Taking away my smile.
I know I need to be brave. I need to be strong and stay focused on the positive. But the reality of what is before my dad, my family and me, is hard to fathom. The next four to six months of chemotherapy is going to be a roller coaster of a ride filled with ups and downs. The downs are what will tear me away. But I know I can’t let cancer win. I can’t let it destroy me too. My dad needs me more than ever and if he can continue to be so amazingly positive and inspiring even at the worst moment of his life, than so can I.
The cancer is aggressive but there is treatment. There is hope. And thankfully my dad is so incredibly fit and strong despite the cancer (he is hiking a 13,000 foot mountain right now in Arizona!) he is fortunate that he will be able to take the strongest, most aggressive treatment possible to destroy the cancer within his body.
I survived one of the worst times of my life when I was in darkness and pain. Almost nine years ago tomorrow on my son’s birthday 11/11/04 I remember the fear that almost took my life. It took three terrifying months to break free from the postpartum anxiety and depression that resulted from a high risk pregnancy and hard labor. Three long months where I could hardly function let alone take care of a newborn baby. But I pulled through. I made it and became even stronger and happier because of it. I survived and I will survive again.
Mornings and evenings have been especially tough. I am not sure why. Perhaps it is all the uncertainty that I must wake up to as the sun rises each day that leads to my despair. But when I look into the warm, beautiful eyes of my children and husband I am filled with so much love and happiness that I remember why I’m here. I am instantly reminded that I’ve got to try harder to be strong. My family needs me more than ever before.
I will fight. I am a fighter. We will win this battle and fight as hard as we humanly can.